Why do you celebrate Christmas? Are you one of the ‘sheeple’ who does it because it’s the thing to do at this time of year and everyone else is doing it so why not me too, me too, me too? Or have you considered all of the ‘hidden’ forces acting upon you to press you into celebrating the, so-they-say, birth of a little baby over two thousand years ago?

If you were explaining what you were doing over the Christmas holidays to a puzzled alien being from planet ‘Plop-n-tharg x101′ what would you say to them about the fact that you’d just taken this huge green spikey thing into your home so that your children could stab themselves in the feet on the needles all over the holiday period in the comfort of their own home? And then you’re hanging sugar-candy, E-number packed, brightly coloured danglers on this tree of spikes that your kids have to keep hands off until the special day just to tempt them into getting told off. Then, the big day arrives and they’re stuffed with these sugars and you’re scraping your kids off the ceiling whilst rinsing out the turkey that you have to begin cooking at 6 o’clock in the morning because it’s so damn big! By the way, does it actually fit in your oven or will you have to rope in the neighbours’ cooker to tackle the trimmings?  How would you explain all of the reasoning behind this?

It’s a peculiarity in this part of the universe that so many of us choose to indulge in. Although many of us aren’t actually choosing, we’re just following really a tradition that’s been here for a few hundred years and it seems like a nice thing to do. There are many things I like about Christmas and one of the main things is the fact that the time seems to influence people to be a little kinder to each other. I’d love to know why and how that kindness came about from a neuroscientific or anthropological point of view. Wouldn’t you? No? Oh well, each to their own.

But that is one of my favourite idiosyncracies around Christmas time; many people seem to be kinder than usual and I like to see everyone displaying it and lapping it up and smiling at the neighbour you’ve hated all year, and sharing a drink and a funny sentence or two with them.

Then we get this fat twerp in a red suit blocking our chimneys and causing all sorts of potentially dangerous situations with his careless rooftop shennanigins. My question is this: If I went down just one chimney in a red suit with white fur trimmings, it would be filthy by the time I came through the other end; how come that doesn’t happen to him? What are we asking ourselves and our kids to believe here? And don’t talk to me about magic or I’ll talk to you about bull dust.

Maybe the real magic is in that kindness thing we do? Maybe the fat guy is just a little red herring? Maybe the whole new baby image thing is something that was always there – a new baby means the continuation of the human race and that’s always worth celebrating. Well, isn’t it?

Haha.

Have you started making plans or did you wait until July this year?

Are you going to celebrate Christmas because you have some idea of what it is supposed to be about or because lots of other people do it and they look like they might be having a good time? Or, are you religious in any way and have a real attraction to worshipping a fat guy in red with fur trimmings, bells and a questionable attraction to reindeer?

Maybe you’ve got kids and you like to see them having a good time? Are you going to provide them with that good time by spending way beyond your budget, paying it back until next Christmas, and arguing about it behind closed doors with your beloved for the next six months? Just so long as junior has that new robo-shoot’em-video-Ybox-mega-crap-that-lasts-two-weeks to open on Christmas day.

I probably am. I get hooked into it every year.

This year, some shops I go into have had Christmas sell-offs from last year at half-price since July. They might say it’s stock clearance but don’t be fooled. It’s a pre-sales, pre-sale to get your head turning toward pre-Christmas. We are now in pre-Christmas because it’s September and the retail industry wants it’s turkey now, and tomorrow and all the way through to January.

In October, Christmas arrives for real. Don’t go thinking Christmas is on December 25th. It’s not. Official dates are October 1st right through to February 28th. ~December 25th is a blip, an inconvenience because it intereferes with shopping season. And it is around this particualr day that we ask our kids to accept it as something special, a day to be elevated because it’s not like the rest of the year. That has to be a crock don’t you think? How can they possibly elevate one little day out of that four month blur of sales and marketing madness?

Even this blog is an attempt to sell my Silly Christmas kids CD a full three months before the special day and a full who-knows-how-long before the CD itself is completed.

Now don’t get me wrong. I respect marketing and sales as completely legitimate and essential cornerstones of business and business is what keeps us all alive and breathing on this wonderful planet. But I can’t stand the pressure to get my stuff ready three months before it’s supposed to be topical. I’m singing about Rudolph pooing in the house and it’s only September. I’m struggling to believe myself and put the honesty into the songs. Know what I mean?

 Why couldn’t I wait to do this until December 1st? Because the big boys of the Universal Mega Multi-Billion Dollar Christmas Stuff industry have had their Christmas stuff for this year manufactured and ready for the last two years in their gargantuan holding bays. Talk about creating the future eh? I’ve got to be there to nip my 0.0000001% of the market.

Why? Cos I’m a musician with a family and we’ve gotta eat Christmas dinner, that’s why.

Anyway. Just thought I’d ramble a blog out on this topic. Welcome any posts about Silly Christmas and look forward to some interesting noos. Oh, by the way, I don’t want moaning and groaning and cynicism and unpleasant posts on this blog so please, it’s Silly, not sick Christmas and there’ll be a kind of  end-of-my-sanity as-a-parent feel to the whole thing so if you want to make serious complaints about the nature of Christmas please go do it elsewhere. We’re just gonna discuss some of the silly stuff that happens in connection with Christmas. That’s all.

Oh yeah, I’ll let you know about the development of my kids Silly Christmas CD as we go – it’ll be an mp3 ho ho ho.